“I Don’t Feel Safe. No One Does.”

A generation of students has grown up during the Mass Shooting Era. One college student, Brooke Matalon of Ohio State, reflects on how this era has reshaped her and her peers’ day-to-day college experience

(Photo by Brooke Matalon)

Editor’s Note: This piece was written by college student Brooke Matalon and originally published on 1/1/2019 as part of ‘Forty-Two,’ an entirely-different publication launched by the Unplugg’d Team at one point. We decided to republish it under UNPLUGG’D MAG because we believe it holds true to our editorial mission.

Nine Thursdays ago, I scrolled through my Spotify playlist looking for something to keep me occupied during my long, cold walk to class. Words from a group message popped up on my screen reading: “guys, omg… 12 people were killed last night at a bar, mostly college students.”

Ten Fridays ago, I received a Buzzfeed notification saying that 3 people were killed at a yoga studio.

Eleven Saturdays ago, I saw an Instagram story of a picture that said “Together against antisemitism.” Confused by the meaning of this post, I opened the news app on my phone to learn that 11 people were killed at a synagogue during a bris.

“I was in class the other day and found myself zoning out, thinking about what I would do if a shooter entered through either entrance.” — Jeff, University of Florida

47 Wednesdays ago, I received a call from my friend telling me that 17 people were killed at a high school in Parkland, Florida. Her friend attended school there, she hadn’t heard from her yet.

317 Fridays ago, my middle school went into a lockdown drill. Overwhelmed with confusion and fear, my teacher told us that 26 people were killed at an elementary school in Newtown Connecticut.

Killed. These people were shot and killed. INNOCENT people were shot and killed.

I’d known what I wanted to do with my life (be a teacher) since I was as young as those first-grade victims [at Sandy Hook] were…It’s my greatest fear in life that one day, somebody like Adam Lanza will walk into my school with the same monstrous intentions, and I won’t be able to protect my students, either.” — Amelia, Boston University

Every time I get a news alert or even a call from a friend, a pang of anxiety rushes through my body. What is it going to be this time? Where is it going to be? Who is it going to be? How many people? Why?

It seems that every time I read an alert on my phone, telling me that someone committed yet another senseless crime against humanity, it’s kind of…normal. Mass shootings are normal in this country. The free world, the land of opportunities, the home of the American Dream, the center of mass shootings.

This is the America we live in.

“I feel less comfortable in public spaces on campus and around unfamiliar faces. I feel like I have to be vigilant of everyone.” — Anonymous, Wash U St. Louis

A world where children are growing up seeing armed guards in front of their places of worship and thinking that is normal. Where their school security resembles airport security. Where children are forced to grow up faster. Where children have to step over the bodies of their fallen classmates. Where they are not safe.

A world where I walk to my classes and can’t help but analyze the people to my left and to my right. As they reach into their pocket I take a step back. Are they resting their hands for warmth or are they reaching to take out a gun?

“I’m in Pennsylvania with people who have strong feelings about guns…I was at the mall the other day and I was so paranoid and felt like I was looking at everyone’s hands to see where they were and what they were doing.” — Brianna, Muhlenberg College

Although this may sound crazy and this may sound wrong, don’t you do the same? Do you feel safe just walking to class? Do you feel safe being in a crowded room? Do you feel safe at concerts and large events?

A world where I get easily startled by the loud construction on my campus. The loud BOOM of the machines hitting the concrete registers in my head as gunshots. Where I plan out my exit strategy if a shooting were to occur while I sit in the library and study. Where it is impossible to concentrate in a lecture hall knowing we are just sitting ducks waiting for something to happen. Where I plan out what to tell my parents on the phone if I ever found myself in this situation — what would my last words be?

A world where I don’t feel safe. Where no one does.

Make sure to sign up for our email newsletter here and consider supporting us on Patreon here!