Shedding Pop Culture For Puppers
Jake Graber-Lipperman takes a break from binging…everything, to talk about one fine fido
MacGuffins and White Russians is a new bi-weekly letter from Jake Graber-Lipperman about all the things in pop culture and entertainment he now has time to consume. Get ready for all the sarcastic takes and oddball references you never knew you needed.
As a man of high culture and the resident culture sommelier on my little brother’s internet website, I recognize my duty to share with you the culture I’ve been consuming so that one day you too can become as high-cultured as me. Welcome to MacGuffins and White Russians!
Brassica Culture
No, the rumors aren’t true. A fatal accident involving jet-skis and Sean Kingston has not prevented me from delivering you the sweet, sweet content you deserve. I’ve just been busy. I took a lovely vacation to visit my parents and I’ve been swamped fulfilling my duties as CFO of the Powder Blue media empire. I apologize to my fans and to the staff at UNPLUGG’D Mag for the delay in publication.
Unfortunately, I haven’t had much time to consume any new films or TV shows. So I’m going to take this letter in an unusual direction and talk about a different popular wave rollicking America that I’ve decided to join. As I mentioned in my Marley and Me letter, I recently became a dog owner. So this week, I’ll be reviewing my dog, Kale.
This is Kale. He’s a Cavapoo. He’s five months old and weighs twelve pounds. He’s easily the cutest dog in my building, and potentially the cutest on the 2700 block of P Street NW (Don't let Luna's owner tell you Luna is the cutest. He's a schmole who doesn't wear a mask). Kale has a perfect smile and a super fluffy coat. He also runs a 4.7 40-yard dash and an 11.3 shuttle-run. The raw talent certainly rises from within, but developing better ball skills and rapport with pro-style passers will drive his stock through the roof.
I love dogs. One of the best parts about dogs is that once you give them food, they develop an inseparable bond of companionship that remains strong as long as you keep giving them food. Kale is no exception. The day we brought Kale home, I gave him a peanut butter treat, and ever since he’s been a day-one in my q-tine squad.
Kale’s a crazy dude as well. He’ll chase every single dog, person, or object that exists in the physical plane. He also gets wild zoomies where he’ll just sprint around my apartment in a circle until he falls asleep. We initially wanted to train Kale to become a therapy dog, but lately I’ve been thinking he might find success as an agility dog. Someone in my building told me Kale reminded them of a young secretariat. In the words of Andy Samberg doing a Nicholas Cage impression, "That’s high praise."
Before I got Kale, I had heard of a phenomenon among dog owners that each and every human wants to talk endlessly about their dog: the cute thing their dog did the other day, the supreme intelligence of their dog, and why their dog is the best dog. I never understood the tendency. By Newton’s second law, it would be impossible for every single dog to be the best dog. It’s simple calculus, really.
Since getting Kale, I don’t need my Physics minor from a now online university to know why this logical fallacy remains untrue. How could my neighbor’s dog be the best dog if I know, with certainty, that Kale is the best dog? If we do want to apply quantum theory to this debate, however, I’ll flex my intellectual capacity. The concept of Schrödinger’s dog posits that before I acquired my little guy, that we would be uncertain of the state of the best dog. However, upon the acquisition of Kale, we can be certain that Kale is the best. By the transitive property of equality, this means that Luna, in fact, an inferior dog (and her owner is such a Chad about the whole mask thing).
Perhaps the most unexpected development of dog-ownership has been my entry into the cult of dog owners. I suddenly have something in common with all those tired folk being dragged around by their dogs at 7 AM in my neighborhood--We all love dogs! I’ll walk by a bedraggled dog owner pulling their hyperactive lab when suddenly our dogs start playing. And now Kale and I have both made a new best friend for life. In a world where candid connections have been driven online, I’ve met some of my deepest friends by virtue of our dogs becoming pals. For that, I am thankful.
All in all, I’m pretty happy with my dog. He’s a perfect ratio of chill-to-pull, loves to go on some power walks around the block, and plays a mean fetch. Kale also makes me feel calm and collected. There’s nothing like spending all day chasing around a dog who doesn’t care about the political chaos of our times or the pandemic killing thousands of Americans daily. Kale just wants to eat and hang out. And that’s what pals are for, right?
Kale: 11/10
You can follow Kale at @kalegoeswoof on Instagram or catch him playing in Rose Park on the weekends.